I Have a Confession to Make

Today, my kids and I were part of a beautiful wedding. One of my very dearest friends is now a married woman and I am so very happy for her! I was blessed to serve her as a bridesmaid, my son as ring bearer and my daughter as guest book attendant.

20130921-211224.jpg

Everything about today was amazing, the bride and groom left happy and that’s what matters most!!

Now my confession.

I had a moment of self pity. A moment when I was thinking about the vows my friends spoke today, vows I know were very similar to vows I spoke one day with a man who I was so sure I would spend the rest if my life with. A man who told me dozens of times “Divorce will never be an option.” Or “Divorce is not in our marriage vocabulary.” or even “There is no storm or trial our marriage can’t survive.” Where was that man today? Not where he promised to be. That’s for sure.

I felt it as I was loading my van last night. I felt it as I was getting myself and both kids ready today (I did amazing, by the way- we were early!). I felt it as I was dressing my son in his tuxedo (cuff links and such are not so hard!) and combing his hair. I felt it as the groom spoke his vows.

I had a moment of self pity because my groom failed me in every possible way. Ours was a marriage that started off poor and is now broken. So broken it would take a God sized miracle to repair it, and I honestly don’t want it repaired. Does it hurt my heart still? More than words can say. Do I miss him? Honestly, no. (I know now that I was a very emotionally abused woman- one so emotionally battered that people have seen a HUGE and positive difference in me and my kids now that he is gone.) Do I miss the companionship? My goodness, yes.

But- I love having the freedom to once again be who The Lord created me to be. Two years ago, I would not have started singing and trying to do the “Hokey Pokey” when the wedding photographer was giving the bridesmaids instructions to put their right leg out (yes, I did that today!) Two years ago I would not have smacked the bride in the butt while lacing up the back of her gown (yup, did that too). Two years ago I would not have done all I did today without complaining and still having a smile on my face as I feel like I’m gonna fall over then sat happily at the table eating In-N-Out with my babies at 8pm listening to their stories and joys from the day. Two years ago I certainly would NOT have taken a picture like the one above with my children.

So I confess, today I had a moment of self pity. A moment where I missed having a husband, companion and friend. Until then, I turn to The Lord. I ask the whole World Wide Web out there to keep me accountable- I don’t ever want to turn to a relationship just to keep from feeling lonely. I don’t ever want to invite a man to my bed (or me to his) just to meet a physical desire. I strive to live my life for the One who saved this life I live. I trust my God and my King to lead me and to be my Husband until the time He may decide to bring someone into my life. And I certainly wouldn’t mind if he were tall, broad and that certain celebrity crush I’ve had for 20 years! Just kidding! No- not kidding, well maybe. I dunno!! Haha! I think I’m delirious!!

Until then-

20130921-213921.jpg

About Alicia

Alicia is a Jesus loving, homeschooling, mini-van driving, food loving, gluten-free-cuz-I-have-to-be, fun loving, choir mamaing, bike riding, So Cal born and raised solo mama to 2 amazing kiddos with 3 cats, a ginormous dog and the 2 cutest nieces ever! She had a deep passion for cooking and baking that left with her Celiac disease diagnosis in 2013, but has now returned as she experiments with and tests recipes to make them delicious and enjoyable even without the gluten! You can find all sorts of random thoughts, ideas and whatever else pops into her completely random mind right here at Big Black Trash Bag!
This entry was posted in from the heart, marriage, single parenting. Bookmark the permalink.